dr4b | Entries tagged with filk

I miss Kiltie Band. I think this is my third Sleigh Ride parody in four years.

Stove League
(to the tune of "Sleigh Ride" by Leroy Anderson)
(New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin)

Just hear those cellphones beeping
As trades are cheapening too.
And all the press is fussin'
In a stove league discussion with you.
Online the fans are whining
As Theo's signing up Drew.
And all the scouts are gushin'
In a stove league discussion with you.

Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, let's go
It's all a big show
We're giving 'em these contracts full of dough.
Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, it's lame
Just playing the game.
We're finding a twit who can hit
So the fans recognize his name.

Our roster's full of losers
And beggar-choosers are we.
The 40-man is frozen
with the players we chose in '03.
And when we're feeling braver
We'll try to waiver 'em through.
There's just no sense in rushin'
In a stove league discussion with you.

There's a Krivsky mimic by the name of Flanagan
Signing ancient arms to bolster up the pen again.
Seems the Mariners, Reds, and Orioles will see the biggest flop
At the ticket booths when they watch attendance drop. Plop plop plop.

There's a perfect roster nothing in the world can buy
So we'll trade our soul for someone like Morneau or Dye.
It'll nearly be like a deal pulled off by Bowden or by Beane.
This wonderful plot's what we've got
when the seasons are in-between!

Just hear those cashbags jinglin',
Agents mingling through.
They'll get a deal for Lilly
That'll make you look sillier too.
You should consult a sponsor
If you're choosing Bonds or Alou.
But every batter's crushin'
In a stove league discussion with you.

Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, let's go
These choices all blow.
We're looking for a catcher who can throw.
Sign 'em up, sign 'em up, sign 'em up, who cares
If we have young players
We'll balance our team with the theme
getting Thomas and Zaun and Stairs!

Our lineup's big on hitters
But not on splitters or curves.
We'll sign a Mirabelli
And he'll catch the hell he deserves.
So now it's time to park it
'Cause this bidding market's a zoo.
There's just no use in thinkin' when
Strike zone's shrinkin' and
Fastball's sinkin' and
Deals are stinkin' when
GM's winkin' and
stove league drinkin' with you.

(crossposted from Marinerds of course, but ever since the RSS broke with Blogger beta I don't know if anyone here's reading that anyway.)

This was, of course, posted to Marinerds, but I do tend to crosspost song parodies here. On the other hand, I've become afraid that the original of this is a lot more obscure than I thought it was (I dunno, I first heard it when I was like six or seven years old and was more aware of Paul Simon than of Bob Dylan...)

A Simple Insultory Philippic (Or How I Was Howard Lincoln'd Into Submission)
To the tune of "A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Robert McNamara'd Into Submission)" by Simon and Garfunkel
New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin

I've been Mark Teixeira'ed, Juan Rivera'ed,
I've been Vlad Guerrerro'ed, then Pineiro'ed
I've been Grand Salami'ed weekly till I'm blind
I've been George Sherrilled, and imperiled
A columnist from the Everett Herald!
That's not the one you read? Well... nevermind.

I've been Robb Quinlanned, sent to Inland.
I've been Danny Harenned, John McLarenned.
Well, I've played every base I want to play
And I got platooned with Aaron Boone
And all of those splits won't buy me hits
So I take a swing (and then I pray).

I knew a man, who played some ball
He sure thinks that he knows it all
But not the same as you and me!
He's stuck back in history. He's so confused
That when you say "Richie"...
He thinks you're talking about Richie Ashburn!
Whoever he was.
The man ain't got no mojo.
But it's alright, Paul, everybody must get Rohned.

I been Nick Swishered, been silverfishered
Randy Johnson, won't you please come home?
I been pitchered, catchered, right and centered
Been Brad Pennyed and Chris Carpentered
I just discovered somebody nuked the Dome!

Play ball.

I've lost my lineup card, Grover...

This is all because I thought that "Mr. Lowe, You've Got A Lovely Slider", to the tune of "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Daughter" wasn't going to fly...

The Guy With The Slider
(to the tune of "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor)
(new lyrics by Deanna Rubin)

Comin' out, back on the mound
Got the sign, threw his pitches
Went the inning, now he sat them all down
Just a man and an armful of heat

So many times, they're taking the bait
He makes the batters look silly
He gets his grip and it's hurled to the plate
As they fight just to stay on their feet

(Chorus:)
It's the guy with the slider
It's the arc of the flight
Darting down as the batter is retired
And the last of the lineup
Tries to hit him tonight
But they're striking out facing the guy
With the slider

Face to face, out on the field
Brush 'em back, actin' angry
They'll track his arm, still he keeps it concealed
'til they've swung, having misjudged the speed

(Repeat chorus)

Comin' out, finished the game
Got the save, got the glory
Several years from now they'll mention his name
As a man in the pitching elite

(Repeat chorus)

It's the guy with the slider,
The guy with the slider...

Relatively boring day I guess. I wanted to go out and experience the lovely weather, except I noticed that my car tires were looking relatively wimpy, so I experienced the lovely weather by going to the gas station and pumping air into my car tires. It may explain why my gas mileage has been (relatively) low (for a hybrid). The two tires on the passenger side of the car were in the 15-20 psi range, when they're supposed to be 30-35. Oops.

Ran some errands, then went over and played volleyball. My arm is fine but now my neck aches. I can't win. I did overhand serve quite a bit though and did fairly well at it, but it was mostly a last resort because I was sick of hitting the ceiling serving underhand. BG has returned after a several-week hiatus, but I avoided being on his team all day so he only got to tell me what I was doing wrong in hindsight once.

After vball I wasted the evening! Wheeeee. I watched another episode of Brother Beat (how I can enjoy a show with no plot so much is beyond me, but I do), and sang some songs, and wrote a parody of "I Hope I Get It" from A Chorus Line about Spring Training, and I think I should work more on my Vegas pictures so I can put them online, or something. Oh, and I should go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I hope.

I'll lj-cut the parody lyrics because I'm nice and I doubt anyone out there actually likes baseball AND is familiar with A Chorus Line, although I suppose the chance is higher on LJ than it'll be on Marinerds :) I really ought to get back to working on Moneyball The Musical.

( God, I Hope I Get It )

Not much to say about today. Work, then home, then some Puzzle Pirates, then going to the gym to lift weights. And interspersed with that was more writing. See, the last few days I've been rereading the book Moneyball because I was asked why I hadn't reviewed it on Marinerds. The reason is that well, EVERYONE's reviewed it, how would my review be any different? And then I came up with the answer: not a REVIEW, but a REVUE. I started with a parody of "Billie Jean" about Billy Beane, and some joke dialogue, and well, now I have a short two-act play, which I figure is in some state to be unleashed on the world.

So, here, in all its glory, is the first draft (ha!) of my stage interpretation of the Michael Lewis book. Hope you enjoy it. I've listed and linked to the songs themselves incase you don't feel like reading the rest of it, or if my liberal application of swearwords to Billy Beane's speech patterns offends you.

Moneyball: The Musical!

A musical book revue in two acts
By Deanna Rubin

Cast
Billy Beane as the General Manager
Paul Depodesta as the Computer Guy
Michael Lewis as the Narrator
Eric Kubota as the Head Scout
Jeremy Brown as the Draft Pick
Scott Hatteberg as the Pickin' Machine
and various scouts, family members, and a book reviewer

Songs

Act One

1. Prologue - Moneyball Tonight ("Comedy Tonight", from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To the Forum)
2. Draft (Main theme from the musical "Rent")
3. The Ballad of Swisher's Kid ("The Ballad of Sweeney Todd", from Sweeney Todd)
4. I Just Get On Base ("I've Just Seen A Face" by the Beatles)

Act Two

1. Fixing the Hole ("Fixing A Hole" by the Beatles)
2. Giambi's Face ("The Rain in Spain" from My Fair Lady)
3. Scott Hatteberg, Pickin' Machine ("Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead)
4. Finale - Billy Beane ("Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson)

Constructive criticism is welcomed, of course.

(A sequel to the 2004 song)
(The chorus comes from the Mariners announcer Dave Niehaus, well known for his "MY OH MY!" yells when calling out exciting plays.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2005 Seattle Mariners
To the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel
New lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin

I am just a fangirl, and my story's pretty dull
I have wandered all through Safeco
With a scorecard full of scribbles, such are summaries.
Games won and lost, still the team appears like it did last year,
In disregard to cost, hmmm...

When they started this season's tragedy, things were looking pretty good
With a couple big free agents
And the rookies from Tacoma seemed so talented.
Then, oh no! Dan's leg twisted, Bobby's arm blew out, and Miguel Olivo
Hit about as well as freakin' Spiezio.

My oh my...

Asking only for replacement, we go looking to trade Winn, but we get no offers
Just a prospect and a catcher named JoeJessica
I do declare, of the moves done at the trade deadline,
I think we got screwed there

Now the crowds abandon Safeco, an attendance drop you'll see,
They are smaller than they once were, and larger than they'll be, that's not unusual.
Yo, it's pretty strange, after bringing up King Felix, we are more or less the same
Roster changes, and we're still completely lame.

My oh my...

And we're calling up our minor leagues, Betancourt and Morse, Dobbs and Doyle,
'Cause our players have been plagued with inability... and injury, whoa-oh...

Out on home plate stands a catcher, after twelve years he has played
He's our very last reminder of the Mariners that made it to the playoffs
In the nineties
And they brought Seattle fame
Now we're scheming and we're dreaming
But the cold fact still remains:
We lost tons of games.

This is a duet between Albert Pujols and Alex Rodriguez as part of their 2005 "Al-Star" team. I didn't bother recopying my entire post, but figured I usually post song parodies here, so wheee.

"The 2005 MVP Al-Star Team"
To the tune of "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits
new lyrics by Deanna "Marinerd" Rubin

Pujols (in the style of Sting in the intro):
I won my MVP...

A-Rod:
Now look at them voters, here's the way you do it
You play the baseball as a stud Yankee
We got the writers, got the big-ass payroll
But money means nothin' to a guy like me.
Now that guy Pujols, playin' on the Cardinals
Lemme tell you, that guy can jam
Maybe'd be his second if not for that Bonds guy
Maybe he's as awesome as I am

I fought to win some mighty great sluggers
Vlad Guererro, and Dave Ortiz
I got to send them back to the dugout
'Cause they ain't this year's MVP's

Pujols:
See that A-Rod with his ribbies and his homers?
Yeah, buddy, he's a nightmare
That crazy slugger's gonna be a hall of famer
That crazy slugger is a zillionaire

I fought to win some mighty great sluggers
Andruw Jones, and Derrek Lee
I got to send them back to the dugout
'Cause they ain't this year's MVP

A-Rod:
I shoulda learned to pitch like a star
I shoulda learned to strike out bums
Look at those slackers, they're out there, sitting in the outfield 'pen
Goofing off all day
The call comes, "What's that? Pitch for an inning?"
They're throwin' on the mound for just an out or three
See, that ain't workin', that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothing and your naps for free

Both:
We had to beat some mighty great sluggers
But we're the finest as you can see
We got to send them back to the dugout
'Cause they ain't this year's MVP

Pujols:
Now we're the winners, any way you cut it
We worked our butts off for that MVP
We're always out there, lookin' at those bench guys
They get their money for nothing and their naps for free

A-Rod:
You get your money for nothin', and your naps for free

Pujols (overlapping):
I won my, I won my, I won my MVP...

An interesting way to say "Take a deep breath and sing *through* the line, you idiots," but it worked nonetheless.

Choir was decent tonight. We picked up another tenor and another bass this week. We finally rehearsed "Their Sound is Gone Out", and I kicked butt, at least compared to the rest of the tenor section. I also kicked butt on "Let All The Angels" or whatever it's called, because, well, I can hit a high A in full voice, and enjoy it, too. It's funny, I was at first sort of scared about doing all the choruses in the second section because we didn't do them last time, but I'm familiar enough with the music and can sight-read well enough to handle it. Get it? Get it? I can handle Handel. Ha! I kill me.

This was also a food-and-socializing week, so I had some food and tried socializing. Of course, I have absolutely nothing in common with anyone in the choir, so I got to listen to everyone's stories about performing Verdi's Requiem last season.

I lifted weights after choir. I decided it's better for me to lift weights after choir late on Monday than to lift on Tuesday, since then my arm will be sore for playing volleyball on Wednesday.

Also, I'm thinking of going to see The King And I at the 5th Avenue Theater sometime this weekend, most likely either Friday night or sometime on Sunday. If anyone's interested in seeing it as well, let me know. I'm *definitely* going to see the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Sweeney Todd, which is the next play in the queue.

Oh, and I finally bothered writing some words to Scutaro (to the tune of "Sussudio"), because, like, Marco Scutaro is awesome, and he deserves a song. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find the original song on any of my tapes, so I can't quite tell if it scans the way I hear it in my head.

Also, Eli informs me that I am a Sea Slug.

Alright, I'm going to sleep now for real... but I just kinda started humming this after my "They Might Flee Giants" joke, and next thing you know, well...

Number Three, by They Might Flee Giants
To the tune of "Number Three" by They Might Be Giants
new lyrics by Deanna "I'll take Potent Potables for 2d8+3, Alex" Rubin

There's only two fights in me, and we just fought the third
Don't know why I cast Disintegration or used a Power Word
Spent the whole fight just trying to avoid a zombie's blade
For the two fights in me, and the third one we just played.

An ogre once told me,
"Hey, you's a tasty treat!"
An orc squad once told me
Humans are the best to eat
Now I'm in a pit trap that goes down a hundred feet 'cause

There's just two fights in me, and we just fought the third
Didn't need to use an evocation, just changed into a bird
Spent the whole time just flying to not be Prismatic Sprayed
For the two fights in me, and the third one we just played.

So I went to the Gamemaster
And I asked old whats-his-name
Could I just prepare a counterspell
Or something like the same?
He just started talking
Like a beholder's eye
"If there's just two fights in ya, dude,
Arentcha gonna die?"

So I bought myself some elven chain
And a nice scimitar
And I politely told the party
I was going to the bar
'Cause I have to keep my spirits up
Or I'll never level far
Since there's just two fights in me,
And this is number threeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I'm pathetic, aren't I? I had this idea while walking home from the gym tonight, and rather than going out to eat sushi or maybe go see Must See Dogs by myself, both of which I was seriously considering, I just sat here for the last two hours dumping all of my song parody ideas out of my head.

I think I've come up with the opening number for "Mariners! The Musical", though...

"What do you do with a Major League Contract? / It Sucks to be Us"
To the tune of "What do you do with a BA in English? / It Sucks to Be Me" from the musical Avenue Q
New lyrics by Deanna Rubin.

(The stage opens on a sidestreet in Peoria, Arizona, near the Mariners Spring Training complex. A rookie, Jeremy Reed, stands there with a suitcase and an envelope containing his invitation to Spring Training. He looks out and sings:)

JEREMY REED
What do you do with a major league contract?
Where's my career going to go?
Four years of minors with all of those whiners
Has earned me a shot at the show

I can't play the field yet
'Cause my feet ain't healed yet.
And Safeco's a big scary place..

But somehow I can't shake
The feeling I might make
A difference
In the pennant race.

(Lights up on the clubhouse, where players are starting to arrive.)

SCOTT SPIEZIO
Morning, Ryan.

RYAN FRANKLIN
What's up, Sandfrog?

SCOTT SPIEZIO
How's life?

RYAN FRANKLIN
Disappointing!
( The rest of this song has been mercifully lj-cut. )

I love it when I'm like, editing Perl code, and suddenly the line I've been trying to come up with for a song pops into my head. This is about the Mariners' new 19-year-old phenom pitcher, who made his first major league start yesterday, and who the blogosphere refers to as "King Felix", so...

King Felix
(to the tune of "Prince Ali" from Aladdin)

Hey! Clear the way in the baseball park
Hey you! Let us through!
It's a bright new star!
Oh, come, see the first at the plate that he'll destroy

Make way, here he comes!
Ring bells! Bang the drums!
Are you gonna love this boy!

It's the king! Everyone sing!
Felix Hernandez.
Write a K in for the play
Definitely.
We'll see the King taking aim
At home in next Tuesday's game
So come and watch this spectacular battery!

It's the king! Everyone sing!
Felix Hernandez.
He'll get ten bat-swinging men
Down on strike three.
He faced the PCL trench
A hundred strikeouts commenced
Who sent those guys to their bench?
Why, it's the king.

He was 9 and 4 down in Tacoma
   (Ain't he amazing, Rick?)
Home runs on him? Gave up only three
   (Fabulous, Fairly, I love his curveballs.)
He sure earned his minor league diploma
How's he gonna do?
I'm telling you,
he's a twenty-win guarantee!

It's the king, everyone sing, Felix Hernandez
   (There's no question he's a pitching genius)
That physique, how can I speak,
   (And they say that he's only nineteen, yes?)
Powerfully.
   (Everything about the guy just plain impresses)
Well, get on out to the Safe
   (He's a phenom, he's so great, a wonder)
And sit there in disbelief
   (He will tear opposing bats asunder)
We'll hail our new pitching chief, our Felix king.
   (And I absolutely love the way he dresses!)

He walked ninety-six guys in the minors
   (Well, in the minors, they must be whiners)
But in strikeouts, got three-sixty-three
   (They're numerous, so numerous!)
And his curveball's got movement like shiners
   (Bounces down for him)
It hops to the plate, they swing too late
They're just jumpy with jealousy for the King! He's the King!

He's the king! Everyone sing!
Felix Hernandez!
Heard that Safeco was a sight awful to see
And that, Seattle, is why
He suited up and dropped by
With tricks abundant, and power galore
With his curves and sliders,
A fastball and more
So this pitching gala from Venezuela
A revolution he'll bring
Make way, for he's our King!

This is dedicated to Eric Byrnes, former Oakland A's outfielder, then Colorado Rockies outfielder, and suddenly as of yesterday, Baltimore Orioles outfielder. Of course, if I was him and I ever saw this, I'd probably get pretty pissed off, but ah well, that's never stopped me before, right? I was, like, listening to the cast recording of Hairspray, and thinking of his wild blonde hair flying as he chases after pop flies, and suddenly I came up with this idea...

"Good Morning Baltimore"
(to the tune of the same song title from the musical Hairspray
new lyrics by Deanna Rubin, of course)

BYRNES:
Oh, oh, oh
Woke up today
Feeling the way I always do
Oh, oh, oh
Looking for somewhere
That I can play
Almost every day

The trade deadline's on
And once more I'm gone
Away from Coors Field
With my bat and glove
Oh, oh, oh
Sending me back
To the fans and the league that I love

Good morning Baltimore,
Every day I can hear you roar
Every night is a game for me
Every crowd's like a symphony

Good morning Baltimore,
As I promise you runs I will score,
The league's gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me

Oh, oh, oh
Look at my hair
What 'do can compare with mine today?
Oh, oh, oh,
I've got my spikes and my bat and ball
I'm ready to roll

I go up to greet
The fans in their seat
They seem to say
"Byrnesie, it's up to you."
So, oh oh
Please let me play
'Cause today I'll hit home runs for you!

Good morning Baltimore
Here's a field that I will explore
There's a dent in the outfield wall
It's a good place for a fly ball

Good morning Baltimore
As I open my new locker door
The team's gonna come in and see
Baltimore and me

I see every pitch
I make every throw
I run every place that I should go
I'm jumpin' to run when the ball leaves the mound
So please hit it out here before I fall down!

TEAMMATES:
Before he falls down!

BYRNES (& TEAMMATES):
So, oh, oh
Put me in coach
You'll like my approach when I hit the ball
Oh, oh, oh
Something inside of me makes me race
To get to first base

The coach tells me no
But my feet tell me go!
It's like a calling I've never heard
Oh, oh, oh
Don't make me wait
One more moment to take off for third!

TEAMMATES:
Good morning, good morning,
He's gonna take off for third!

BYRNES (& TEAMMATES):
I love you Baltimore
Every game's like an open door
Every inning's a joy to me
Every benching's a misery

And I promise Baltimore
That today, I can't wait anymore
The league's gonna wake up and see
Gonna wake up and see,
Baltimore and me...

TEAMMATES:
Yes, more or less we all agree

BYRNES:
Baltimore and me...

TEAMMATES:
Today the league is gonna see

BYRNES:
Baltimore and me!

Umm, okay, so I wrote two new song parodies, neither of which are the ones I intended to write when I started this, but that's okay. I have a feeling the overlap of people who read my LJ, and people who are familiar with West Side Story, and people who are actually amused by my baseball song parodies, is really a very, very low number of people, but that's okay. I'm mostly just trying to get creative and write lots of songs, and later I'll pare them down.

The first one is about the day that Pedro Martinez actually LOST at Safeco a few weeks ago, except the setting is, of course, beforehand, where everyone is expressing their thoughts on what should happen that evening. The tune is the "Quintet/Rumble", movie version. I put it in [pre] tags because I'm not sure the best way to express the "these voices all overlap at the end, yo" part of it. I'm also not sure what the title of this would be. (Oh, for background, the catcher for the Mets that night was Mike Piazza and the pitcher/catcher for the Mariners was Ryan Franklin and Pat Borders.)

I really did intend to write "When you're a Met / you're a Met all the way / From the first hit you get / To your last time at Shea", but I couldn't really find a groove for the rest of the song, so...

( Quintet/Rumble )

The other song... well, I don't know what posessed me to come up with this one. It doesn't *quite* scan to the movie version, though I think it goes okay to the Broadway version. It's a little sillier. It's basically "Gee, Umpire Buckley" to the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke". The veteran players are pretending to try to figure out what's wrong with Mike Morse, our rookie shortstop, and the rookies lament that the umpire is unfair to them.

( Gee, Umpire Buckley! )

Constructive criticism is actually welcomed, although I'm kind of expecting the comments, if any, to be "what kind of crack are you ON?"

This is the second installment in "Mariners! The Musical", a work in progress. I've tried to differentiate talking and singing by having spoken words be in italics... this one is kind of a tough one to represent visually.

"Ball", to the tune of "Belle", from Beauty and the Beast

(It is pre-game at Safeco Field. Jennifer, ballgirl for the Mariners, walks out of the dugout at a gleaming, lovely Seattle evening sky, and sings:)

[Ballgirl:]
Little park
After batting practice
Every game
Eighty-one in all
Little park
Full of guys in black shirts
Walking up to say:

[Umpires:]
Play ball!
Play ball!
Play ball! Play ball! Play ball!

( Cut because it's long, but if you know the music from Beauty and the Beast, you may enjoy this )

Heh heh. This is a first draft. Imagine, if you will, what it would be like if a bunch of vendors at a baseball game all came out to the top of the stairs at once and pretended they were actually in a musical...

(to the tune of "Fugue for Tinhorns" from Guys and Dolls)

BEER VENDOR:

I got yer drink right here
I think the answer's clear
You need a nice cold overpriced can of beer.
Bud lite, Bud lite, you know that it tastes so right
So drink three of them tonight, Bud lite, bud lite.

For just a buck or two
You need a tasty brew
I've got your Coors, Sam Adams, and Red Hook too
Ice cold, ice cold, it looks just like liquid gold
Can't count all the beer I've sold, ice cold, ice cold.

PEANUT VENDOR (starts singing in the middle of BEER VENDOR's verse):

I've also got some snacks
Peanuts and Cracker Jacks
They'll give you corn to crunch or nice shells to crack,
Four bucks, four bucks, watch out as the usher ducks,
'Cause my throwing really sucks, four bucks, four bucks

I gotcher baseball food
You know you're in the mood
To eat some hotdogs, sausages, freshly stewed
Foot long, foot long, just listen to my old song,
you know that you can't go wrong, foot long, foot long.

SODA VENDOR (starts in the middle of both):

You want your thirst to stop?
You need some soda pop
It even comes in this souvenir plastic cup.
And for your family
You buy another three
Or all your kids will whine that they are thirsty
It's not my fault it's hot
But with the drinks I've got
I'm pretty sure that they will all hit the spot,

TOGETHER:
Cracker Jack, Soda pop, Can of beer...
I got your food... right... here!

I should probably revisit this one in the morning when I can rhyme better. I have no idea why I was thinking of singing about bridge anyway.

Fifty Ways to Lose A Contract
(to the tune of "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon)

"The problem is all inside your bid," she said to me,
"The contract is easy, you can claim it on trick three.
"I'd like to help you, 'cause as far as I can see
There must be fifty ways to lose a contract."

She said, "It's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I think your splinter bids are often misconstrued
I won't show my suit, at the risk you'll think I cued.
There must be fifty ways to lose a contract."

You just misplay the heart, Bart
Drop a low spade, Wade
No need to finesse, Tess,
Just listen to me.
Give up a trick, Nick
Don't need much to nitpick,
Just guess the wrong split, Kit
And now you're down three!

She said, "It grieves me so to see you going down
I wish there's something I could do to turn your luck around."
I said, "Alright, I get the point,
And would you please expound about the fifty ways?"

She said, "How 'bout instead of bidding no-trump, bid a suit?
And learn to count to thirteen, or the rest of this is moot."
And I realized, her comments were astute
I'd found the fifty ways to lose my contract.
Fifty ways to lose my contract.

You just misplay the heart, Bart
Drop a low spade, Wade
No need to finesse, Tess,
Just listen to me.
Give up a trick, Nick
Don't need much to nitpick,
Just guess the wrong split, Kit
And now you're down three!

Okay, so, I know this isn't quite perfect yet, but I'm having trouble thinking of better lines for parts. The only out of game context you really need to know is that when you do puzzles, you get different ratings as you go -- it tells you how you're doing from time to time -- so for the particular leaguepoint you may get a rating anywhere from Booched, Poor, Fine, Good, Excellent, Incredible. "Fine" is basically slightly below average, I guess. Incredible is "super-duper good". "Ult" is short for "Ultimate" which is the highest overall rating you can have in a skill.

"The Officer-in-Training's Lament"
(To the tune of "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls)
New lyrics by Deanna "Janthina" Rubin

I'm trying to ask you something 'bout my score
Maybe give me insight into learning more
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me get my Ult in carpentry
It's only carp, after all... yeah.
Well, Sailing Ult is something unachievable
And Bilging scores are booched, or so I hear
I took that sloop in Ruby that you got me
I sailed my ship of safety 'till they shot me
...I'm floating back to shore.

I went to the docktarts, I went to the forums
I looked at the top ten, and tried to ignore 'em
There's more than one way to play these puzzles;
Running ships is the bottom line.
And the less I break my back to get Incredible
The closer I am to "Fine".

I went to try my hand at learning gunnery
With a bit of wad and powder, and a cannonball or three
But brigands engaged me, on sails I had a swabbie
They gave me so few tokens, my navving was so slobby
I filled four guns while avoiding open fire, dodged the grapple,
And I could flee.

I went to the docktarts, I went to the forums
I looked at the top ten, and tried to ignore 'em
There's more than one way to play these puzzles;
Running ships is the bottom line.
And the less I break my back to get Incredible
The closer I am to "Fine".

I stopped by the inn at 3am
To try entering a tourney, or brawling with a friend
I joined up with a card game for some late-night escapades
Twice I had a blind nil with the ace of spades
I kept it for hilarity.

I went to the docktarts, I went to the forums
I looked at the top ten, and tried to ignore 'em
Yeah, we all can be docktarts, we all need a muzzle,
We look at the statwhores, and just do our puzzle,
Yeah, we go to the crow's nest, we go be the lookout,
We learn to shoot in battle, we give those brigs a workout,
There's more than one way to do these puzzles
Running ships is the bottom line
And the less I break my back to get Incredible
The closer I am to "Fine",
Closer I am to "Fine",
Closer I am to "Fine".

Well, this is, incase it isn't obvious, this is the sequel to my King of Spain filk from the other day... this time, I attempted to fit the story of King of Pain into the music of King of Spain. It's TOUGH! There's just not as much... plot... in the Police song... and more random metaphors. This works if you think of "King of Pain" as a breakup song, which I kind of do... though J said he thinks of it as a "I want her and can't have her" song, so hmm. Well, whatever. The epilogue in my version is about a breakup, so THERE!

King of Pain
To the tune of "King of Spain" by Moxy Fruvous
(New lyric-smooshing by Deanna Rubin)

Once I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
Oh, that unseeable little blackspot (now it's my soul up there)
I'm telling you, I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
And now my cat's in the highest treetop.

1 2 3 4!

Nature's wrath, sure was a telepath
Finding me trapped in a spider's webbing, or freezing waterfall bath
Or trudging through a gale, like a suddenly beached blue whale
Fossilized stone in a high-up cliff wall, trapping it in a metal pail.

Once I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
A horrendous downpour, that was my place (now it's my soul up there)
I'm telling you, I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
And now I run circles in my brainspace. (Once he was the king of Pain)

I came out to hear all the peasants shout, my people say:
"King, why do you have no eyeballs?"
"There's a blind man up there--"
"And shadows of doubt!"
It's really sad, I think they wish I was dead
Let's give golden couches to rich men
And make skeletons choke on cookies and bread.

Once I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
Hey nature, hey people, got answers? You phone me. (now it's my soul up there)
I'm telling you I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
Now I'm asking you to please just dethrone me! (Once he was the king of Pain)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you the sounds of crazy 80's music with incomprehensible lyrics!

(random keyboard solos)

Now some of you might be wondering how I came to be suffering so much and stuck in this realm of pain. Should I tell them, guys?

Tell us, King!

You see, one night, when the forest was asleep
Out of my tree of wisdom, and into the real world I creep
And I wait until the appointed time when rain is hitting the mud
At which point my lover dear, who just dumped me clear
Arrives, and tells me I'm crud!

Prince of sadness, monarch of madness
World no longer giving me gladness
Sorrow is never done right, hiding me from all my sunlight
So next time you're thinking of me and mine
Remember how I'm failing these trials
The King of Pain never smiles!

Once I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
I was looking for ways to make my suffering cease (now it's my soul up there)
I'm telling you I was the King of Pain (now it's my soul up there)
And now I'm jamming with Sting and Police! (Once he was the king of Pain)

This was inspired by Bridget Spitznagel about 4 years ago now, and it was on my mind, so I decided to actually write it. I cannot decide if this is utterly brilliant or just plain WRONG.

King of Spain
To the tune of "King of Pain" by the Police
(new lyrics, as always, by Deanna Rubin)

Here's a little black tale of my royalty
It's the same as told by peasantry
There's a time I wore silks and joked with queens
'Till one night when I crept into palace greens

Chorus:
I have cleaned many floors of many solid stains,
Working out in the Skydome or in pouring rain,
Serving pizza real slowly, drives 'em all insane,
It's not my destiny to be the King of Spain

Here's a little black tale of my royalty (no more humble pie)
It's the same as told by peasantry (no more humble pie)
There's a time I wore silks and joked with queens (no more humble pie)
'Till one night when I crept into palace greens (no more humble pie)

(CHORUS)

There's a palace up there I once called home (no more humble pie)
There's Queen Lisa, unspeakable beside the throne (no more humble pie)
There's a tower room where I held affairs (no more humble pie)
Made the weekends big and gave kids eclairs (no more humble pie)

(CHORUS)

Bridge:
There's a king on a throne near a video feed
There's a cell phone ringing from the OPEC lead
There's a rich man lowering our interest rates
There's an overhead roof and food on all our plates

There's a night I hid till the moon turned pitch (no more humble pie)
In the palace garden we made the switch (no more humble pie)

That's the little black tale of my royalty
It's the same as told by peasantry

I have driven Zambonis after hockey games
Jamming with Moxy Fruvous in the pouring rain,
Serving pizza real slowly, drives 'em all insane,
It's not my destiny to be the King of Spain

King of Spain
King of Spain
King of Spain, I'll no longer be
King of Spain, I will never be
King of Spain...

(And uh, to point it out since two people asked so far -- no, the idea is, the TUNE is "King of Pain" by the Police -- it's on Synchronicity, surely you've heard it, it's like "There's a little black spot on the sun todaaaaaaay", but the STORYLINE is that of "King of Spain" by Moxy Fruvous. Arr. jgoodman says I really ought to now try to write the song the OTHER way, except I'm not sure how that would go... "Once I was the King of Pain / Now it's my soul up there"?)

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Deanna

dr4b.org

February 2019

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Every Day an Adventure

Entries tagged with filk

Song Parody: Stove League, to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"

Song Parody: A Simple Insultory Philippic

Song Parody: The Guy With The Slider

Whoosh.

[semi crosspost] Moneyball, the Musical!

Moneyball: The Musical!

The 2005 Mariners, in song

Song Parody: Money for Nothing

"Go through the king"

Song Parody: Number Three

Baseball Filk -- Avenue Q meets The Mariners Crew

Baseball Filk - King Felix Hernandez

Baseball Filk -- "Good Morning Baltimore"

Northwest Side Story -- a subsidiary of Mariners! The Musical

Baseball filk -- "Ball"

Baseball filk (kinda) - Fugue for Vendors

I should be sleeping but this song parody crept into my head and made me write it

PP Song Parody: "Closer to Fine"

Filk: King of Pain (to the tune of King of Spain)

Filk: King of Spain (To the tune of King of Pain)

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February 2019