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i hate decisions
I screwed up airlines and other things to no end. So Eli and I will not be at Laurel and Jason's wedding. I'm sorry I fucked up. I can't get the days off from work to accompany people driving and I can't afford the plane tickets for both of us plus all the other expenses of taking a trip like renting a car and maybe a hotel and all of that stuff.
Ugh, I should probly block Laurel from reading this entry. I just feel really awful. It makes me think of all of these weird metaphysical implications of going or not going to things. I like weddings. They are fun and happy occasions, and going to them can be a lot of fun. On the other hand, it can be really expensive to go. I think I have my priorities screwed up. Of course, when you go to a wedding, it seems like you spend most of your time randomly socializing with people, and not really seeing the bride and groom anyway. This was sort of what sucked about going to Eli's brother's wedding, namely that I didn't know anyone there except family, and I feel weird enough being "family" with them and all.
so what is the point of going? i guess the big deal is that you know that for the rest of your friends' married happy time together, whenever they will look back on their wedding they will remember that you were there and were happy for them. on the other hand, i am happy for them anyway. somewhere in my mind there is this division between "so if i am happy for them and send them a gift and all, what is the difference between being at the wedding and not?"
but of course, this all goes back to "what is the point of doing anything?" the idea is that, i suppose, you want to be with your friends at their wedding. hmm. maybe i am an evil person after all. i've been thinking about this a lot lately, how i don't seem to do enough for other people that is utterly selfless. especially because drew and django recently pointed out to me how it's perfectly reasonable for there to be evil people who have plenty of friends and stuff. (django wants to run an all-evil D&D group, see, and my first thought is "so everyone backstabs each other..?") i don't know, i wonder if it's just in my nature to be utterly self-centered and all. probably is. and very out of touch with reality in some respects. i mean, i shouldn't be weighing and marginalizing the cost and the returns of attending a friend's wedding. that is just ridiculous.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I keep thinking, "so it would cost us like $1500 or so total for this trip. What's $1500, really? I mean, what's the money really worth? Sure, that's three months of rent for me, or what my new computer cost. but isn't it also worth a weekend of seeing my friends and going to a wedding?" and i mean, i can't even imagine how much the wedding total is costing laurel and jason. ugh.
then i think of lynne's entry from a few weeks ago, how saving money can be really silly. especially in a recession time like this when what people need to be doing is spending. on the other hand, if i don't have a certain cushion in my savings account, what will happen if i suddenly lose my job or whatever?
this reminds me that i have to go pay my college loans, too. i haven't done so this month yet. oops.
i sort of wonder what will happen when i get married. whether anyone will actually be able to make it to our wedding. i bet people will screw up like i have too, and i will get all stressed about it.
what is weird is, i mean, the minute they announced the date for the wedding, i did write it in my calendar and set it aside. it seemed so far away then, like a day that wasn't going to come. now, after a majorly shaky september, it is october. back then i didn't see any reason at all that i wouldn't be able to go. then the airlines and travel in general got weird, work got weird, life got weird, economy got weird...
bleh, i wonder if i should just erase this whole thing. maybe i will at some other point. we'll see.
what is even worse is that i was just commenting on how i need to seize the year and do as much fun stuff as i can. hm but would this be more fun or would it be more stress? it's so hard for me to tell. i have the worst feeling that this will be what planning Carnival trips will be like for me once I leave Pittsburgh... maybe by the time that happens, it won't matter anymore since I won't know anyone coming in for Carnival? who knows. blah.
Ugh, I should probly block Laurel from reading this entry. I just feel really awful. It makes me think of all of these weird metaphysical implications of going or not going to things. I like weddings. They are fun and happy occasions, and going to them can be a lot of fun. On the other hand, it can be really expensive to go. I think I have my priorities screwed up. Of course, when you go to a wedding, it seems like you spend most of your time randomly socializing with people, and not really seeing the bride and groom anyway. This was sort of what sucked about going to Eli's brother's wedding, namely that I didn't know anyone there except family, and I feel weird enough being "family" with them and all.
so what is the point of going? i guess the big deal is that you know that for the rest of your friends' married happy time together, whenever they will look back on their wedding they will remember that you were there and were happy for them. on the other hand, i am happy for them anyway. somewhere in my mind there is this division between "so if i am happy for them and send them a gift and all, what is the difference between being at the wedding and not?"
but of course, this all goes back to "what is the point of doing anything?" the idea is that, i suppose, you want to be with your friends at their wedding. hmm. maybe i am an evil person after all. i've been thinking about this a lot lately, how i don't seem to do enough for other people that is utterly selfless. especially because drew and django recently pointed out to me how it's perfectly reasonable for there to be evil people who have plenty of friends and stuff. (django wants to run an all-evil D&D group, see, and my first thought is "so everyone backstabs each other..?") i don't know, i wonder if it's just in my nature to be utterly self-centered and all. probably is. and very out of touch with reality in some respects. i mean, i shouldn't be weighing and marginalizing the cost and the returns of attending a friend's wedding. that is just ridiculous.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I keep thinking, "so it would cost us like $1500 or so total for this trip. What's $1500, really? I mean, what's the money really worth? Sure, that's three months of rent for me, or what my new computer cost. but isn't it also worth a weekend of seeing my friends and going to a wedding?" and i mean, i can't even imagine how much the wedding total is costing laurel and jason. ugh.
then i think of lynne's entry from a few weeks ago, how saving money can be really silly. especially in a recession time like this when what people need to be doing is spending. on the other hand, if i don't have a certain cushion in my savings account, what will happen if i suddenly lose my job or whatever?
this reminds me that i have to go pay my college loans, too. i haven't done so this month yet. oops.
i sort of wonder what will happen when i get married. whether anyone will actually be able to make it to our wedding. i bet people will screw up like i have too, and i will get all stressed about it.
what is weird is, i mean, the minute they announced the date for the wedding, i did write it in my calendar and set it aside. it seemed so far away then, like a day that wasn't going to come. now, after a majorly shaky september, it is october. back then i didn't see any reason at all that i wouldn't be able to go. then the airlines and travel in general got weird, work got weird, life got weird, economy got weird...
bleh, i wonder if i should just erase this whole thing. maybe i will at some other point. we'll see.
what is even worse is that i was just commenting on how i need to seize the year and do as much fun stuff as i can. hm but would this be more fun or would it be more stress? it's so hard for me to tell. i have the worst feeling that this will be what planning Carnival trips will be like for me once I leave Pittsburgh... maybe by the time that happens, it won't matter anymore since I won't know anyone coming in for Carnival? who knows. blah.
no subject
also, the cost of the wedding is defrayed somewhat by the gifts. also, people tend to go to more weddings than they have themselves.
no subject
But you're right -- of course we'd be understanding if friends can't make it. But this is silly, because as of now all our friends except about 3 are making it. ;-)
no subject