dr4b | cleanup...

so, after writing that last entry I hung out at my uncle's house for a few hours.
my aunt ordered a ton of food from Olive Garden -- a huge tray of eggplant parmesan and one of baked ziti, and salad. Half the gathered family was vegetarian so it made sense. The funny part is, some of you might know that eggplant parmesan, east coast style, is my absolute favorite italian dish, so it was neat how that worked out, given that I was STARVING. The rest of the time there is kind of a blur. Just a general sense still of "I can't believe I just got back from my dad's funeral".

Got my uncle to give me a ride to Spring Mill station after that (I was in a hurry and forgot to even close the trunk -- oops) and rode SEPTA into town, back to our building. I got there and talked to Dave at the front desk for a bit, he told me the story about Friday again, apologized for not making my dad go to the hospital (I was like "dude, it's not your fault") and told me a few funny stories, did this great impression of my dad coming down like "hey! you gotta see what i just downloaded on my Palm Pilot!!" and told me how everyone in the building totally loved my dad even though they thought he was totally batshit crazy. Apparently the oldest actual resident of the building, a 90-something-year-old lady, also just died last week, so they've been in a bit of a weird state lately.

I guess I got into the apartment... it was so dark, I wasn't used to that. By reflex I looked over at my dad's table, which was of course empty, and so I kind of called towards my dad's room, "hey Daddy, I'm home", in what was supposed to be kind of a joke, but instead started crying again. I guess the apartment just felt so EMPTY.

After being back for a bit I realized it was a weeknight and 7pm and if my dad was there we would have watched Jeopardy together, so I turned on Jeopardy.

ag5j called around then and said he was heading downtown. I got out a box of stuff from my room and also emptied out my piano bench and took a stack of cards and started just sorting through things, I guess.

When Aiton arrived, I went down and got him, and then basically the next four hours we were just sitting around talking in the living room... I was sorting papers and throwing out a ton of my old stuff, basically. I found a whole bunch of stuff to show him anyway (given that I've known Aiton since like 9th grade, a lot of those old things, especially like ddial printouts and music concert papers and whatnot, were actually semi-relevant) and I guess we talked about a lot of random stories. I made him help me carry a whole ton of stuff to the trash room, too.

Around midnight-1amish, we had to make a decision on whether I was going to stay at the apartment or not. In the end, I was too freaked out about the idea of staying there alone, so, Aiton brought me back here to Merion, and I'm in the guest room at his parents' house. It's really surreal to be here in some ways (not that I didn't sleep here a ton of times in high school -- heck, I was just remembering sleeping right here the night before he and Ben and I headed out to CMU for our bagger weekend) and I'm still a little worried about getting all of my stuff-trashing done tomorrow, but I think it'll be ok, we're going to head back in the morning and I'll still catch up with my brother for a few hours and all, before going back to my uncle's.

If anyone ever doubts that Aiton is a great guy, let me tell you that I think he just earned himself a lifetime of friendship karma from me, just for basically sitting at my dad's apartment and hanging out with me while I sorted papers and babbled tonight. I'm really happy though. I guess I'm never fully convinced that if I ask someone to come back to Philly and be with me for something like this, that they actually would, so on behalf of all friends, Aiton has proved me dead wrong.

(Not to say that my uncle Jack and his family haven't also been pretty awesome through all this. I mean, in addition to the fact that he's carrying out my dad's will and INTENDS TO ACTUALLY CLEAN OUT THAT APARTMENT, he's just been really good to me and my brother through everything... and it's not like he's not also going through the fact that HIS BIG BROTHER JUST DIED. So.)

You know, there was a weird moment this morning, because the only black dress I found to bring back with me is short-sleeved, so I was standing in front of a big mirror throwing various black shirts on top of the black dress... I really felt like I was auditioning for a part as the Wicked Witch of the West or something.

And another thing... somehow my aunt's cellphone got buzzed from AT&T during the funeral. She was joking it was my dad reaching from beyond the grave. Kind of odd nonetheless.

I guess I should go try to sleep soon. I'm still pretty cold and kind of numb.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

I know we don't know each other that well, other than hanging out on Puzzle Pirates, which is sort of why I've been quiet. I'm not one of your inner circle and I didn't want to butt in, but I feel compelled to offer an ear if you need it. I lost my mom to lung cancer a year and a half ago. I know where you're at. If you need to talk, or just ignore things, drop me a line and we'll figure something out. It's a horrible club to be in at our age and if it hadn't been for my friends and acquaintances who had been through the same thing, I don't know what I would've done. You are in my thoughts.

Friends are awesome.

hey,
thanks for the offer. I know what you mean, we don't know each other that well... I do remember you mentioning your mom was sick, but I'm really sorry I didn't talk to you more during that time.
i might need to talk about this more once i'm back in japan and more alone. we'll see.
how long did it take you to feel like you got over things? did you ever?

Honestly, you don't ever get over it. I know that's depressing, but I'd rather be honest with you than fill you full of BS. It gets -easier-. I'm a year and a half out (2 years to the day I found her unresponsive after a rare stroke that started all this, oddly enough) and I don't really cry anymore. The weird thing about me is that I didn't cry at all at first. I went into "gotta put on a funeral" mode and was generally cleaning, planning a funeral (though Mom and Dad had pre-paid ones) with my Dad and doing all the things my mom would have done in the situation had it been someone else. I had been in the thick of it since the very beginning (I was the one who found her at the start of everything) and I thought I was just dealing with it and had been ready for it, but the truth was I was a mess inside, only I was repressing it. Not healthy. I ended up in therapy dealing with the grief and that helped a lot. Frankly, from what I'm reading you're already dealing with it way better than I did at the start. The holidays are going to suck, father's day will be a killer, and you'll find yourself wanting to pick up the phone or email or reminding yourself to call your dad to mention something all the time. I still do that only not as frequently. But it does get much easier. I don't feel so much like an orphan anymore. The holidays were easier on me the second time around.

Talking to someone helped a lot, and I don't just mean the therapist. I mean in general. And you -should- talk to your dad. I was so angry that my mom had died and it's helped me to tell her that. I still babble to her sometimes (uh, though not while anyone else is around lest I be seen as crazy) and I say hello on occasion when I'm thinking of her. The first year is going to be the hardest. After that it got easier for me, but any good grief counselor will tell you that it's different for everyone. There are 7 stages of grief, but they don't go in any set order for anyone. You just tend to deal with things in your own way. Like I said, if you ever feel the need to talk to someone who has been there, you can ping me. I swear I won't be this long winded. :-P

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